Where I’ve Been-Remixed
May 29, 2010
“The governor is hiking along the Appalachian Trail.”-quote from Governor Mark Sanford’s office, June 22
“The Group Exercise Director is kicking off her World Fitness Tour.”-quote from Penny Hoff’s Sportsplex cubicle, May 22
I suppose you’ve all been wondering where I’ve been these last several days. I’ve got to say it wasn’t until I just got home yesterday that I realized that my gym members and yoga students had been left scrambling to locate my whereabouts. Ok. I’ll tell you the honest truth. I really did want and intend to launch my World Fitness Tour. I’ve never been on one and actually am not even sure specifically what a World Fitness Tour would entail, but I sure did like the sound of it. As a matter of fact when I first knew I’d be going away, I might have actually used the term “World Fitness Tour” to explain my absence. Then it dawned on me that this excuse might be a bit of an axagerattion and perhaps unfair to those few friends of mine who still love me. Next I considered just vanishing which is probably more believable as something I would do but equally and for opposite reasons, also equally impossible for me to do. I’ve never been a disappear-er. I’m too loud. I’m too indiscreet or as my Pops used to refer to it so eloquently “You talk enough to make up for all the rest of us Loves put together.” Unlike my baby brother Darrin, who we forgot at a truck stop near Yellowstone National Park when he was three and wasn’t missed by the other eight of us in the Country Squire until five hours later when we got near Beartooth. Now, Darrin, he could vanish. Me? Not a chance. But I was feeling reluctant to admit the actual reason why I’d be gone for a while. So I talked to my close friend Viola who had an optional idea. She volunteered to help me out and honest to God it was HER idea to allow me to use her as my foil, sort of like a body double, you know, the way Madonna and Princess Di used to send the paparazzi off on a goose chase so they could escape in peace. So yes, although Viola was not exactly innocent, she really did have my best interests at heart and she was there with me throughout the whole ordeal. I’ve got the pictures to prove it.
Anyway, back to my story. So my only option as I saw it, was to tell the actual truth, as much as it pained me to do so and also because two of my dearest friends and my older sister threatened to come to my house and throttle me if I didn’t stop lyin’ and fess up to reality. So (sigh) Here it is: Four weeks ago, I reached my arm over head in Warrior pose and a disc in my back sprung a huge leak. And in much the same way that it would never in a gazillion years occur to me that a volcano in Iceland could affect air travelers in Europe getting back to school and work here in Connecticut, it was as incomprehensible to me that a volcano in my spinal column would blow and subsequently push hot lava against what was apparently a main nerve in my leg. I now apologize to all back- hurt-er-ers . All of you who’ve been forced (by me) to listen to my rants about bodily issues have heard their fair share about tight asses (as in hips) but I must now confess that I have sinned against all people who complained to me about disc problems before. I did not hear you. Not the way I hear you all now anyway. Prior to this, I’d never had more than a few days of back pain in my whole fitness life. At first I though my pain was my hip so I went to my hip doctor and he noticed that I had no reflexes on my left leg. He pointed at the door and said get yourself over to MRI and proceed pronto to Dr S. Then it took me 4 days of being on hold for 5 hours each day to get an appointment with Dr. S.So when I finally met the King of (Back) Pain face-to-face he explained my volcano options (none of which are ever great, mind you. Much like an oil spill, with an extruded disc ,the damage is done . 
The next question was: which way do you prefer to clean this mess up. And yes just like Obama, I will say that this too, was all my fault in a subtle yet profound way neither Obama nor I can fathom, and I possibly could’ve delayed it by not reaching my arm up a few weeks ago, but probably, for both the President and myself, things were out of whack way before things spilled over. So when I found out Dr. S was booked until late July but lucky for me had a last minute cancellation this week I hated to be rude and say no thank you. I think my actual words were “In four days? Okay, if you can’t do it any sooner.”
So the next part is kind of blurry but luckily I had my camera with me. The only guy who was too fast for my lens was Dr S himself.
Dr Andrew Sama
He was in & out like lightening.He did that Super-Hero Arrival phenomena, where after waiting ions for his arrival, you finally doze off, then SHAZAM! He’s standing at the foot of your bed, shaking your toes and smiling. Time then gets soupy as he speaks in that doctors-only speed which is both incredibly fast/slow as well as incomprehensively melodic and fulsome in it’s amount of content delivered per second..then BAM!! he’s gone. Not just walking down the hallway as his footsteps fade in the corridor. I mean GONE, as in poof. Into thin air. All’s I know is that I was left there smiling, like a stoned Grandma. I like to imagine that he had several disc volcanoes waiting down in the O.R.
I don't remember this guy. My nurse. I think. He looks nice.
I do remember this big guy. From PT. Made me git up & do stairs.
Like I always say, breathing is very important.
Wednesday 1:00pm-The best veggie burger I ever tasted.
Wednesday 1:02pm
High point of my day.This & The Cooking Channel.I now know what Ganache is.
and eventually I ended up here in my bed with it all behind me before I could say microdiscectomy.
Anyhoo, Again, I apologize for any miscomunication because maybe you thought I meant I was on my World Fitness Tour when I thought you knew I meant I was having back surgery. It really was an honest mistake. Although the WFT reactions were oh so much more enjoyable than the OMG-YHBS reactions.
What’s next? Well, I’m thrilled to report all leg pain had vanished by the time I woke up in the recovery room. Viola’s feeling better every day too.
Now I’ve got some incision pain and two weeks of no BLT (Bending, Lifting, Twisting. Aren’t those HSS booklets clever?) And worse than that, how the heck am I supposed to wash my hair if I can’t bend over and I can’t get my back wet. Readers, please advise. Then if I can get my hair washed, I suppose I’ll make a gradual return to my Workout World, Like I always do. Alas without any tour at all. Unless you count the CVS Pharmacy Tour.
I know you are thinking that this story is just plain nuts. You are not wrong. But I hope you aren’t thinking what Pops has always said to me which is that Exercise is Just Plain Dangerous.
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Penny,
From your photos, you are the prettiest patient that hospital has ever had. Glad to hear you are on the mend and your pace of play will now have to slow somewhat.
I’ve found an ACT (Active Release Techniques) therapist for my lower back and SI joint. Back is much improved but golf game is disasterous.
What you need is a vacation is sunny San Diego. Does great things for the back and the mind.
As always, I enjoy you writing and pray your recovery will be a dynamic as your personality.
All the best,
John Davies