Where I’ve Been
July 2, 2009
“The governor is hiking along the Appalachian Trail.”-quote from Governor Mark Sanford’s office, June 22
“The Group Exercise Director is relaxing with her family in Ohio.”-quote from Penny Hoff’s Sportsplex cubicle, June 30
I suppose you’ve all been wondering where I’ve been these last several days. I’ve got to say it wasn’t until I just got home today that I realized that my gym members and spinners and yoga students had been left scrambling to locate my whereabouts.
Ok. I’ll tell you the honest truth. But it really was an innocent visit with my family. In Ohio. I decided quite at the last minute that my weekly 10 classes have been tapping my usually high energy and it dawned on me that I needed to relax. To slow down. To chill. To get away with my family. Well, not exactly with all my family. I sort of surprised my husband with the idea. He didn’t know I was going until the last minute. Nor did I bring my 14 year old twins. But I did mention on my last Twitter status post that my 16 year old son was with me. I implied at the time that he was with me. But truthfully, I’m not sure that anyone besides my 16 year old nephew in Ohio could actually vouch for my son’s whereabout during the time that you all’ve been searching for me. But he was there with me. Sort of. I swear.
Anyway, back to my story. My job is the best job in the world but it is physically exhausting. You try spending half your work day in your target heart rate zone and see how energized you feel by happy hour. So I was looking forward to not doing a-n-y thing for four days. As in no exercise-e-moi. Nada.
So when I got to my sisters I was so happy to kick back. Did I miss the tingle in my muscles post-workout or feel the urge to hit the gym pre-dinner? NO.WAY.
So we had dinner at 5 o’clock if I am remembering clearly. And afterwards I thought I’d call my old friend Lindsay Fitzlett. Only by accident I misdialed and called LifeTime Fitness which to my shock, had a facility just down the block! So I hated to be rude when the front desk gal, her name- Lindsay! if you believe in coincidences, well that was one right there, and she offered me a free trial visit while I was visiting in town. Of course I said No Thank You Ma’am, I am taking a few well-earned days of RE laxation! But. You know those health club sales people, they are RE lentless so after five minutes, just to shut her up, I told her I’d stop by and check out their gym. I’d consider it a professional reconnaissance mission, I told myself. At the time, that was my line of reasoning.
Anyhoo, I told my sis I’d be back in a few. Which is why there was some family miscommunication because she thought I meant in a few minutes when I thought she knew I meant a few hours. It really was an honest mistake. Which is why I hustled so much and got back four hours later. Honest.
Where’d I go next? The pool in my sister’s backyard, of course. Where better to kick back than poolside. But the weather, don’t ya just know it, the dang weather was NOT cooperating and so, to pass the time I was just browsing the internet and after only two hours I stumbled upon a yoga studio that, if I hadn’t promised myself to take some time off, I would’ve loved to check out. Plus my muscles could use some yoga, what with the plane flight and all that sitting around the pool for 20 minutes. So I texted my sister-even though she was in the next room, because I thought she was in the shower and I didn’t want to interrupt her. She deserves some peace too. I texted her and said I was going to Starbucks, did she want me to bring her anything. Although in all honesty I don’t know why I offered her coffee, nor do I actually remember this offer. Although there is that text in my “sent” box proving otherwise. Jeez, am I supposed to keep track of every little thing? I’ve been known to forget worse things.
Anyway, back to my whereabouts. Saying I was at Starbucks was an unfortunate ommission. I meant to say that I was at the Yoga Studio NEXT to Starbucks. Turns out I got to Starbucks and remembered I don’t do caffeine after noon and as I didn’t want to waste the gas, when I saw that the Yoga Studio was just next door I felt it was Divine Guidance. God wanted me to stretch.
So when my cell phone rang (which I forgot to turn off, just shoot me) near the end of yoga class but in the middle of relaxation savasana and I had to hiss at my sister, I really didn’t intend to yell. It wasn’t technically yelling although to all of my yoga classmates in corpse pose I suppose it sounded like I was possibly yelling. So yes, those in attendance might have a different impression of me than what is the truth which is that I am one chilled out RE laxed yogini. Ask anyone who knows me. Although they may not be returning your calls right now.
Where did I go next? Of course after the coffee incident, my sister, who I know for a fact did not mean any of the cruel things she said in tags on my Facebook yoga pictures, needed some time to “think about our relationship” as she jokingly (I think) put it. She really is a kidder, that sista-friend sista girl. My sister I mean.
So my only option as I saw it, was to go back the next day to LifeTime Fitness where I knew my new friend Lindsay would let me chill in their lobby because by then I really did need to rest both my mind and my body. Turns out Lindsay misunderstood what I wanted to do, which I tried to explain to my sister later, but I accidentally ended up on the Stairmaster, which I know sounds crazy. But in Ohio, the Stairmasters look quite a bit different. See I thought I was on a really long set of stairs that were leading me to the 2nd floor meditation room and you know me, I wasn’t looking where I was going. An honest mistake, I think. I really do.
So after the stairs (which I now realize was a StairMASTER. The TV monitor should’ve gave it away come to think of it) somehow I ended up not in the Meditation room but in a Zumba dance class. How did I end up dancing when I was said I was going to rest, you ask?
Well, I’d been so distraught about Michael Jackson’s passing and the woman next to me on the stairs (Master!), we got to talking as we watched CNN’s up-to-the-second coverage of MJ’s 911 call, and this woman brought up his killer(no pun intended) dance moves and this made my arms twitch and my legs quiver with the desire to manifest my Inner Michael Jackson. So happens, she told me, there’s a Latin Dance class starting in a few minutes.
So the next part is kind of blurry but you can imagine my own surprise when I found myself in the front row of not the meditation room but can you believe it, the Dance Studio! And even though my typical dance moves are not technically LATIN dance moves, I felt moved to honor the white gloved man in the only way I knew how. By raising the roof (ooo-ah ooo-ah), Donkey kicking( for you dancing idiots out there this is sort of like a cha-cha. Arms are waving in the air while alternating horse hoof kicks. You know, 1-2-3 kick a hoof, 1-2-3 kick the other hoof ) and by of course, Moon Walking.
Ohio girls have no business Moon Walking EVER but by this point I was, well….really even I could feel it, spiraling out of control. The music stopped and for just a beat, I couldn’t stop dancing. Which made me that girl who is just plain nuts.
Well let me just tell you that I was as surprised as my family to realize that I’d accidentally spent most of my time in Ohio exercising rather than relaxing and although this may seem like TMI at least I’m not volunteering this info to The Associated Press.
No matter how revolting you find my behavior, please refrain from calling me a bad relaxer to my face. I’m getting professional help for it. And I’m back at my home gym now. Not really refreshed. But home