GIVE A HOOT ABOUT SUPER BOWL SNACKS
January 30, 2009
Statistics have shown that during any given Super Bowl party, men and women consume an average of over 1500 calories. This is approximately a day’s worth of calories.
To burn it off, you’d have to run for two hours straight or walk for over three hours, which is about the distance of a half-marathon.
The not-so-surprising difference between men’s and women’s calorie consumption is that the women’s calories are from food (think nachos) and the men’s calories are from beer (think lite beer).
After consulting with my panel of senior advisors (my neighbor, my two friends and my sister) as to why this might be true, we concluded that it is because us women are bored. Basketball games bore us. I mean football. WhatEVER. And every woman knows that we don’t drink when we are bored. We do that when we are happy. Or stressed. Or feel like dancing. What do we do when we are bored? Altogether now, let’s say it! We eat!
Conversely, men, being the single-taskers that they are, are too into the game to eat while they are watching football. Sometimes they will eat at halftime but only if they are sure no nipples will pop out. As far as why they drink, they don’t really realize that they are drinking. Someone (another man) just keeps putting beers in their hands.
This explains the difference. But we all end up in the same stadium on Monday morning, which is bloated and filled with remorse at the low level of NCR (nutrient-to-calorie ratio or in other words, junk) food consumed.
Lucky for you ladies, I have a solution. At least for the females. It came to me suddenly yesterday morning as I watched my hard working, TV Reporter husband broadcast live from the Super Bowl queen of restaurants, Hooters.
It was an entertaining, if not integrity-laden, show, full of lively shots of babes tossing a (Nerf, thank God) football. Things, big things were spilling everywhere. I found I couldn’t look away, that’s how big they-I mean the show, was.
And my husband came home from yet another hard day of work and, being the trooper that he is, smiled the whole rest of the day. When I asked how his show went, his only comment was that the wings were really hot. I bet, at 7:30 in the morning.
Now I have nothing against Hooters restaurants, but if the TV stations truly wanted to increase viewership (and as a side benefit, keep us women from getting bored and hungry) we should start a similar restaurant. Here’s my ingenious idea to keep women out of the nacho dip. We could open a restaurant . Let’s call it Peckers. I read a similar idea somewhere long ago. I wish I remembered where, but it is brilliant. I think it is an idea who’s time has come.
We could serve foot long hotdogs and hire waiters based upon the size of their “pecks” and it wouldn’t even count as discrimination if we came right out and admitted we hired them based solely on their hot bodies.
If we had a restaurant like this to patronize, us girls could go there and watch Desperate Housewives and Sex In the City on giant-screen T.V.s.
Peckers could advertise during or better yet, sponsor, the Super Bowl and us chicks would all drop our chips as our boredom instantly vanished.
Until then though, I think the best anti-noshing strategy is for women to keep themselves at arm’s length distance from all finger food. Do Not, I repeat, DO NOT, sit down near the 9-layer dip on the coffee table.
Men, the only helpful tip I can give to you is to not hand each other consecutive beers, especially if you’re interested in auditioning for a job at our new restaurant chain. You’ll need to be in sPECKtacular physical condition to make the first cut.