Bubbles or Pancakes-Which Butt Are You?
November 13, 2009
Last week my rant was about the two different types of belly fat. This week my rant is on the behind, the junk in the trunk, the caboose, patootie, booty, arse, badonkadonk, whatever you want to call it, you all know what I mean. I divide the world (of behinds) into three distinct categories: the first group has not enough butt, sometimes known as flat butts or what I like to call party platter butts. These are the people you see on America’s Funniest Videos in the pants-falling-down category (one of my favorites, much more enjoyable than the old folks-falling-down category). A little known side benefit of having some junk in your trunk is that it keeps your pants from falling down. Paula Dean is an excellent example. She is by no definition thin, but(t) her butt could be a sewer cap and when she wears spanks she is especially susceptible to losing her pants. (See video)The second group has too much butt and this is where the majority of adult women “end” up. They never lose their drawers. Ever. Instead, their struggle is to get their pants ON. The third group is bum-indifferent (about their own, that is).They never look back there and this lucky group has no opinion whatsoever about their own tush. Many men are categorized here. If you fall into this category you can skip the rest of this rant and go sit on yours.
Unlike belly fat which, if you have the bad kind, can be lethal, fanny bulge is just annoying and unhealthy in a more vague and overall unhealthy way. This is due to the anatomical fact that no vital organs are stored in our hiney, although I have known some men who’ve made me wonder if this is true for all humans.
If you don’t like what you’ve got back there, here’s what you can do:
If your rump is flat:
• Lunges and squats with heavy weights can give the appearance of lift and separation if you have good form. Lift a challengingly heavy weight for your size and work through your heels. By that, I mean keep your weight out of your toes, because you don’t want to work the front of your leg.
• Remember the Jane Fonda bridge? You lie on your back, feet under knees and pulse the hips up like 10,000 times. This will directly work the glutes. You can also hold hand weights on your pelvis as you lift or alternate legs for added challenge.
• Do stair climbing, either on a machine or preferably on real stairs. The major mover in your body when you climb is the glutes.
• If you really yearn for a bubble butt and don’t want to work for it (and it is hard work) you can purchase a handy little undergarment called Bubbles Bodywear,
which adds some silicone to it’s padded panty. Bubbles Bodywear are the Ebony to Spank’s Ivory. Uniquely similar in opposite, yet equally important ways. It may sound ridiculous but if those of us with a tummy bulge can spend $40 on Spanks then $30 for a bubble butt sounds like a reasonable investment to those who’d rather have something to show on their party platter.
Moving on to those of you with bigger bottoms than you’d like, here’s what you have to pick from:
• Do tons of cardio, preferably running or if not running, jogging. Nothing will change your rear-end size like high-impact cardio. Don’t bike a ton of biking or do heavy-weighted squats/lunges. If you do indoor cycling classes, keep your toes angled up and your heels in a dropped position.
• Do LSD workouts. This stands for Long, Slow Distance. Try for a 60 minute walk, vigorous golfing or tennis. Any length of time over 45 minutes will be burning fat stores and if your fat is in your behind then 30 minute workouts aren’t gonna cut it. This is hard to do if you hate exercise so find a buddy to walk with. It’ll help pass the time.
• If you’ve been in a cave and haven’t heard, there’s no such thing as spot reduction. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS SPOT REDUCTION. There. Is.No. Such. Thing. As. Spot. Reduction. I hate to sound like a broken record but if your rump is too big, you just have to lose weight. In general, the densest weight stores are around the hips so if you drop the extra pounds, chances are it will go from your trunk. That’s the best I can tell you. I’m sorry.
• Wear black and avoid horizontal stripes around the midsection.
And finally, if you can’t be with the butt you love, Honey love the butt you’re with. Love the butt you’re with.
Comments
Got something to say?
Sign Up for Special Insider Info and Tips!
