More Thoughts on Chewing Gum
July 9, 2009
I’m taking a Staycation from my typical rants about achieving life goals, overcoming emotional road blocks and self-defeatist thinking in relation to weight management. In spite of the fact that I’ve been worrying, worrying worrying, about money, as well as about our jobs, our mortgage and our kids’ as yet unsaved college tuition, I’ve instead been thinking about chewing gum. And since we are all in need of some levity, here is the “Much Ado About How We Chew” Edition of my (former)Fitness Newsletter.
A few of you gum chewing aficianados might’ve noticed that amidst the couple hundred thousands attending Michael Jackson’s Funeral, that his oldest son was chawing away throughout the entire ceremony. Let’s give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he was using this tool to keep himself from crying (see my first chewing gum post).
So here’s my supplemental list of BAD GUM Combos
1.Gum and Hair (do I have to splain this?)
2. Gum and Sleeping (See #1 as this ties in with the gum/hair combo. My mom brainwashed us into thinking we could choke to death if we fell asleep with gum in our mouth but the real truth is that she got tired of cutting the wad out of our bangs the next morning.
3.Gum and Sand. Anyone who’s ever grinded into the chill-inducing sensation of sand in gum knows it only take one grain to ruin a good chew session.Game over.
4. Gum and tin foil. Remember back when we only had Wrigley’s? and it came in a foil wrapper? Well if you, like me, misplaced a pack of gum in the car for the entire summer (or found it in an old purse perhaps), then, since you were feeling lucky,were daring enough to give it a chew, the foil sometimes was reluctant to peel away, thus the God-Awful spike of raw tooth nerve on tinfoil.
5.Gum and Singing. You can try it but don’t be surprised if it goes flying on the high notes.
6. Gum and Hot Tea. Can you say melted mess?
7. Gum and Ice Water. Opposite of melted mess.
8. Gum and Kids Under Ten. It is not that they aren’t responsible chewers. They are just not responsible thrower-awayers. They don’t bother with hiding it under the table or chair or rolling it in the original wrapper like any good mother does. Trust me on this and just make those toddlers spit it right into your hand. It’s better than…well,see #9 and #10.
9.Gum and Hot Sidewalks. This is always from a kid under 10. Damn them.
10.Gum on Car Seats as well as it’s kissing cousin, Gum on your Rear End from sitting in the Gum on the Car Seat. I’m tellin’ ya, it’s a kid everytime. It falls out and their mouth doesn’t know it’s gone.
11. Gum and Sex. It just not romantic. Although if you are a prostitute, I think it is probably okay.
And finally my biggest gum combo/pet peeve.
12. Gum and Holy Communion. Often I enjoy a discreet stick if the sermon is making me sleepy but I never remember that I have it in until I’m halfway down the aisle to receive communion. What to do? I cannot hold it in my hand since I must present both palms face up to receive the Body That’s Been Broken For Me, (Me, the loser gum chewer). So I’ve been known to affix it to the center of my forehead, my third eye point, my highest chakra, kind of like a bindi, although I know that’s somewhat anti-Christian of me. What Would Jesus Do? Besides my forehead is usually fairly clean, therefore germ free. So the gum is good to go as soon as I’ve been forgiven of my sins.(Hmm, do you think that counts as one?)
Next I came up with a few GOOD GUM COMBOS
Like
Chewing Gum While The Plane Is Landing (this is the one exception where you can allow kids to chew gum, especially if it keeps them from screaming)
Chewing gum and Driving (preferably a road trip as the chewing alleviates boredom)
and finally
Chewing Gum and Baseball (hey, it’s better than the big tobacco chew Sparky Lyle used to pack)
What does this have to do with fitness?
Nothing.
Except that chewing gum does contribute to Non-Exercise Activity Thermogenisis, otherwise known as NEAT, which helps rev up your metabolism.
But to hell with topics like Globesity, dysfunctional appearance investments and how to initiate a weight loss plateau breakthrough..
Next week, I’m talking about Livin’ La Vida Low Dough.
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