KIRSTIE ALLEY’S SECRET WEIGHT GAIN PROGRAM
May 18, 2009
For the love of cheescake can the Jenny Craig staff please assign someone to keep a 24-hour watch on Kirstie Alley to be sure she doesn’t “cut herself some slack” and inadvertently and without realizing it (!!) gain more weight than she initially lost?
In case you haven’t heard, Kirstie Alley is now thinking of developing her own weight loss program to launch later this year. “I’m developing it,” Kirstie said on Oprah’s show. “I want to create something new that will help millions of people end the never-ending fatty roller-coaster ride.” She told an insider that she wants to lose the weight her way and then share her secrets with the world. Supposedly, she’ll be more credible if she starts off bigger, gets skinny and stays skinny.
Wow! Sign me up! I can’t wait until she unveils her secrets! I’m guessing they will look something like this.
1. As soon as you hit your goal, cut yourself some slack. You know the deal, stop measuring portions, don’t plan ahead for meals and definitely do NOT get on the scale. In other words, avoid all weight-loss accountability. “Oh Bartender! Another round, please!”
2. Stop working out, but not forever, just for today. Plan on doing it tomorrow.Or better yet, do what Kirstie did and turn your home gym into a dining room.
3. Replace low-cal, portion-controlled meals with REAL food, like pasta in butter (Yummy!), or maybe Chinese food and don’t forget mac & cheese in REAL sized servings. Think manhole cover-sized plates.
3. Admit you have a problem but just talk about it, don’t actually do anything about it. Tell yourself that you are totally going to do it.Ruminate on whether Michelle Obama got those arms by doing nothing ( I know differently). Take a big bite of ice cream and say “Starting tomorrow.”
4. Make small, bad decisions or better yet, don’t make any decisions. That way, inertia will take over and make life simple so you don’t have to lose all your energy being focused on a goal.
5. Badmouth yourself both in public and to yourself. Grab your thighs and announce to the general public at Starbucks, “God! my thighs are as big as Angelina’s waist!” The worse you feel about yourself, the easier it will be to comfort yourself with food.
6. Forget Valerie Bertinelli’s “One Day At A Time” theory. If you have a bad eating day, stay off the wagon, just throw in the towel for the whole week. Say to yourself, “Whatever. I’ve blown it.”
7. Use the pre-packaged food plan as a crutch so that you never really learn the skills necessary to prepare, cook and control portions independently once your Jenny Craig program ends.
I guess the thing that makes me so irked by Kirstie’s story is that she has so much more support than many of my clients who work full time and have families to take care of and still they cram in the exercise and food planning. The internet alone is filled with helpful info about how to make and stick with a diet/exercise program. Any personal trainer would adore working with her and would probably do it for free. She can afford a chef and has the time to devote herself to exercise. My theory is that Kirstie still does not love herself enough to maintain long-term weight-loss and a healthy lifestyle. It’s her mind that is fat and until she gets her self-esteem out of the oven, we are sure to see her weighing in on the cover of People Magazine before too long.
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