Cankles and Sturdy Legs

September 7, 2008

In my head, there’s a voice that I call the “Other Penny”. This chatterbox is in a constant state of low-level panic about everyone and everything.
This Other Penny compares everything to where I, the Real Penny, actually rank in the world,
in spite of the fact that the Real Penny always comes up short.
For example, if I am reading the obituaries, which for some shady, age-related reason I find myself doing these days,
the Other Penny mentally writes the Real Penny’s obituary, as well as an obit for every one that both Penny’s love.
This method of agonizing over future grief is so I don’t miss out on anything, even catastrophes that will never happen.
Every little event causes the Other Penny to despair, as if by not sizing the Real Penny up against each bit of daily minutiae, the Other Penny will eternally be labeled a sissy or a phony. Or both.
Just yesterday, I was scanning the front page of the newspaper. Even though the Real Penny had moved on to the story at the bottom of the page to focus fully on worrying about the price of gas, which is really a
Real worry- the Other Penny was noticing that
Hillary Clinton’s hairdo LOOKS EXACTLY
like the Real Penny!
OMG!
The Other Penny was now clawing at her hair, rushing to the mirror and yanking drawer’s open to find the nearest hairbrush.
But it actually was true.
Hillary stole my hairdo.

So I investigated a bit further to get to the REAL TRUTH. I asked my eighth grade daughter if we looked alike as I showed her the front page of the paper. The Real Penny expected to hear what my daughter usually says when faced with something ridiculous like:
Yeah, RIGHT.
In your dreams.
I’m so sure.
NOT!
But when my daughter looked at the photo of Hillary, then at my upper head, she said the words, that the Other Penny had predicted,
“Yeah,” she said. “ you two do kinda look alike, only your  forehead has more wrinkles. Are there any Doritos left?”

The real Penny thought, “Shut UUUP!”
This led to my next thought, which was that Hillary and I also have cankles. For those of you bird-boned creatures who do not know what a cankle is,

It is the body part just below the calf and just above the ankle-the cankle.
Not everyone has cankles.
I heard that Jennifer Garner is never photographed below the knee because she has cankles.
Cankles often accompany thick ankles.
I personally have always had them but turned them to my advantage by becoming a fitness instructor. Fitness Instructors are supposed to be “solid” and “”muscular” or what my mom calls “sturdy” and what my big brother used to refer to as having “tree trunks”.
Body builders at the gym admire my cankles, not because they like them on ME, but because they would like to have them on themselves.
But as a general rule, cankles do not serve female politicians, especially if the politician in question isn’t fashion savvy enough to know that if you have cankles,
and you insist on wearing a dress,
it absolutely must be a mini-skirt with fishnet hose and  five-inch stilettos.
If I can veer off and give you a mini anatomy lesson, cankles are not just fat legs. They are a result of a low muscular attachment of the gastrocnemius (the belly of the calve) and a shorter soleus (the muscle just above the Achilles tendon) so that the belly of the calve is not as differentiated.

Women that have great dress legs have a calve muscle that attaches higher on the leg so that the lower leg is trim looking and tapered.
In rare cases, there is a condition called lipedema, an unusual disorder where fat deposits in the lower extremities
But for Hill and myself it is just a darned genetic predisposition.
We will never be panty hose models.
Back to her workout regime,
I have emailed her campaign manager to get a better handle on the specifics of Hill’s workout but as far as I can tell, her workout consists of walking, talking, waving her hands around while talking and dodging unscheduled questions from reporters.
Here is my recommendation for my sister-friend.
I’m going to go against my standard advice and
say to her, do NOT do squats or
build your legs with any kind of strength training.
What she needs is tons of cardio, an hour plus 4-5 times per week.
The Other Penny also chimed in with the advice of Hillary getting a personal trainer.
Maybe an intern.
I’d recommend what I call a Flat-Belly. A male, Brazilian Kickbox Instructor who perhaps worked his way through college as a Hunkamania dancer (are interns required to be legal citizens?)
Someone who got where he is solely on his physique.
I don’t think the American public, or Bill for that matter, could complain about a little fitness support for our possible future president.
And also, no more dresses until election.
But the hair looks good.

Posted by Penny | Filed Under Blog | 1 Comment